Building a New Version, Pt 1

I refuse to try to apologize or explain my journey and process.  I know it does not make sense and I am sure it may not look right.  One thing I can be confident in is that my feelings or failing do not negate the beauty of God’s intentions.  If you had asked me before I would not have come close to describing the space I am in.  I have removed myself from so much I knew and was familiar with.  Some of the separations are temporary and others are more permanent.  For a while, I even believed that the best version of my relationship with God was behind me.  Now I am realizing that what I am experiencing is a different version of my faith.  I have pulled away from the noise, albeit good noise, but noise nonetheless because that is how God speaks to me.  The loud, emotional, and energetic is sometimes more anxiety-inducing than anything else.  God needs me still.  He needs me calm so that I can hear him loud and clear.  I have been learning or more so relearning how to hear His voice and how to trust His leading.  For me, this manifests in a small voice and a small nudge.  His voice is in the peace that settles in my womb.  This is what I miss when constantly surrounded by noise and high vibrations.

            I must be honest, I have made many mistakes.  I took this season as me washing my hands and going my own way.  I misinterpreted the misunderstanding of others as God throwing me away.  So I jumped off the proverbial cliff.  I gave into my desires.  I led myself astray.  But when I jumped, God willingly caught me.  He could have let me be the reason for my own demise.  But God is love and His love saved me once again!  Even when I try to walk, more like run, away the connection that has been made in the Spirit pulls me back.  I cannot deny Him.  Even in my darkest moments, I find myself turning back to Him.

            So here I am hearing and learning and seeking to understand in a new way, from a new perspective.  I am actively building a different version of my Faith.  I am healing a different version of myself.  I know this because I am stepping out into areas I never imagined I would.  I know that I might fall, but I also know there is a greater chance of me flying and succeeding.  There are so many parts of my story that I didn’t see coming together as they have and parts that I just could not understand.  However, there is this resounding affirmation and hope in my soul that nothing in my life has caught God by surprise.  Everything is ordained and orchestrated, no matter how messy and dark it seems. 

            So essentially I cannot apologize or explain.  It is not even my business to try because I am not the one who called me from eternity into time.  I am not the one who orchestrated my conception with destiny planted deep in my loins.  I am not the one who wove these curves, melanin, and brains together with the skill of the finest weaver.  I am not the one whose spirit hovered over my darkness and breathed life into my lungs with every whisper of my name. “Zenobia means life.  Zenobia means Queen.”  It is not strange that the very thing that is spoken over my life with the mention of my name is the very thing the enemy works so hard to destroy.  I cannot apologize and I will not explain!  I do not even have that power.  But I know and trust that the best version of my relationship with God is NOT behind me.  I am simply looking at a brand new version!