Living with the coexistence of Joy and Grief
By: Zenobia Bryant, Ph.D.
Written as posted in my journal on March 24, 2020
Joy and grief have to coexist. They must co-mingle. Everyone tries to make it black and white. But there really is no clear-cut separation. I am crying because I hurt. I feel pain. I wish my sister were still here. I am so excited to be helping NM plan her wedding. I want what is best for her and for her to have her heart’s desire. I can’t help but think about how I will never get to do this with Mary (my older sibling). How all I ever wanted was to have a sister, and I have one, but we are separated by time and eternity. There are so many milestones and experiences that I want to share with her. I have to remind myself that it is ok to grieve for what never was and what never will be.
I wish my grandparents were here. I wish they could see me now and see how far I have come. March 31, 2020, will make three years since Grandma Bryant passed. Each month when I think I am good and make it without the milestone affecting me, my cells and subconscious never forget. Most times, I am in a heap crying somewhere before I can remember why. The feelings of intense pain and sadness frustrate me, though, because not all is bad. Things are going pretty well, mostly. I guess I can’t reconcile the idea that joy and grief walk hand in hand, like two lovers on a long stroll. I get angry at God’s timing because sometimes I think that had certain events occurred before the loss, this process might be easier. As if I know truly what is for my highest good. I get angry that my heart is broken so deeply that I can never recover the old frame. I have to build a new one. I get angry that the idea of wholeness and complete healing may never be my portion.
While I will get to the place where it won’t run or control me, grief may be my forever companion. So I must learn to let joy and grief live in perfect harmony, especially in the times when I feel most bipolar and unstable because I have gone from laughter and excitement to pain and sadness.
When the laughter and twinkle in my eyes set with the sun and the pain and coolness of night rises with the moon. I strongly dislike the emotions that grief therapy awakens in me, but I need to learn to make space for joy and grief. I don’t know why it is a struggle for me. Who or what taught me that emotions should be black and white? That there is space for only one at a time? Where did those limits come from?
Joy and grief do coexist, and they can live inside me. I am not broken. I am not unlovable. I am not unworthy. But I am simply building a better me with the pieces that life has handed me. Would I have chosen completely different pieces? Heck yes! But at one point in time, I thought I would have chosen a completely different family, and now I would not have it any other way.
I am working on accepting and giving space to anger and sadness. It is a part of the grief, and they are all welcome.
I am not sure where the idea that I am simple came from. But it is a lie! I am a complex being with complex emotions that cannot be restricted to simply black and white. I give myself permission to live and express life in color and boldly. I desire to be seen and heard.
I have always heard the description “grey” used when referring to the space between black and white. It is black and white, right or wrong. And the grey is the “in-between” or a mixture of both. I now realize that when people try to place you on one side or the other and get you out of the grey, they are trying to keep you out of the in-between. But the grey represents color because it is the in-between that adds color. The coexistence of joy and grief has added the most interesting color palettes to my life.
