Living with Trauma
How does the saying go? “You don’t know what you don’t know until you know.” I am sure that I just butchered it but you get what I am trying to say. There are a few things I didn’t know until I knew. One, how much trauma I was actually living with and carrying around. Two, how much the trauma I was carrying impacted the ways in which I interact with the world around me. You would think that being aware of my trauma and triggers would make them easier or less painful to manage but that is not always the case. Sometimes the awareness makes them hurt more. I used to think that when this happened I was doing something wrong, but now I realize that it means I am doing everything right. It means that what I am experiencing is healing in real-time.
Unfortunately, my experiences with bullying, gaslighting, and rejection have caused me to suffer from anxiety. One of the ways my anxiety manifests itself is in overthinking or cognitive distortions. What happens is I have irrational thoughts that influence my emotions or behavior. These thinking traps emerge in my thoughts in different ways. Sometimes I have all-or-nothing thinking which is when I view situations in black or white. If it is not completely perfect then I consider it a failure. I also find myself jumping to conclusions where I interpret things negatively even though I don’t have any facts to support my thinking.
Although living with the awareness of these internal issues can be so much to carry and it can be exhausting, I do appreciate the knowledge. Being aware allows me to intercept the thoughts and work through them. This brings me to the exhausting part. The internal dialogue I have to have with myself. Whew chile, am I glad that people cannot see what goes on in my head! I have learned how to play therapist in a sense. For example, if my best friend’s mood or energy is off or different than it normally is my initial instinct is to think that I am the culprit. I start replaying any actions and interactions that occurred recently. I start analyzing to determine what it was I did or said that caused this shift. Having the awareness that this initial spiral is actually cognitive distortion allows me to disrupt this internal conversation by reminding myself that if she has not verbalized that I did anything wrong then what I have observed has absolutely nothing to do with me. It is very reasonable that she is working through something internally that she has not expressed verbally. I have to tell myself the hard truth that it is not always about me and that although I was led to believe differently in the past, my being and presence do not directly cause the negative moods and energy shifts of others. Yes, I literally have to talk myself through all of these things, step by step. That is why I say it is exhausting. I have to have these conversations with myself before I can even think about communicating what I have perceived with others. I feel it is important to work through this internally first so that I can approach any external conversation with a clear perspective. Honestly, by the time I have worked through all this, the majority of the time the other person has expressed what is going on in their head. Be it feeling overwhelmed, stressed, anxious, financial troubles, or what have you it has absolutely nothing to do with anything I have said or done.
This awareness, albeit exhausting at times, continues to help me grow and heal. It keeps the irrational thoughts from causing me to spiral emotionally. It keeps the irrational thoughts from paralyzing me. It keeps the irrational thoughts from holding me in bondage to my trauma and other adverse experiences. I am reminded that my past, pain, or mistakes do not disqualify me or take away from my worth!
July is recognized as BIPOC Mental Health Awareness month. This month I applaud all of you who are doing the work and committed to the work. Maybe you are giving back to your community or maybe you are focused on your internal growth and development. Maybe you just started the healing journey or maybe you have been at it for some time. Either way, wherever you are, whatever space you are in, I see you and I applaud you! Keep going, sis! You’ve got this! Remember, your past, pain, or mistakes do not disqualify you or take away from your worth!
