Building a New Version, Pt 2

Last month I wrote a post titled “Building a New Version, part 1.”  Here is part 2.  Sometimes a different version means completely leaving the old blueprint behind.  The foundation remains the same, but the details get a complete overhaul.  I am not simply redoing or rebuilding or recreating, this phase is altogether different.  It is a new thing.  There is no pattern or point of reference available that fits this process.  This version of my faith doesn’t seem to compare to what I knew in the past.  Before I would have described it as a lesser glory than what I have known.  The reality is the more of this version that is constructed, the more it uniquely fits who I am at my core.  For example, there is no one correct version of worship and devotion.  We were all uniquely created, thus our worship and devotion will be uniquely different.  For me, my worship and devotion is quiet, thoughtful, and intentional.  My worship and devotion involve going to the gym and working out regularly.  It involves going to the dance studio and allowing my body to become fully alive.  My worship and devotion is me being fully committed to my psychiatrist and therapy sessions.  My worship is me connecting with nature.  It is me giving myself completely in the presence of my loved ones.  My devotion is me laying with closed eyes silently repeating promises of God and affirmations over and over again.  It involves me listening to worship music and allowing each word sung to come alive.  My devotion is me reading the same scripture over and over again until it takes root in my heart and blooms in my soul.  My worship and devotion are me in tears and silent screams.  It is in me giving space to my grief and darkness knowing that there is no dark place that God cannot reach.  My worship and devotion is me sitting quietly and giving space to God’s voice to come from within and not without. 

I am realizing that this journey is more so an orbit than it is linear.  I used to think that I was either progressing or regressing.  But just as the earth orbits the sun and the moon orbits the earth, my journey is set on its own orbit.  At some points in the orbit the earth is closer to the sun and at others further away.  The sun, however, is always in view.  At the times the sun is further away, the earth seems barren but in reality, it is preparing for a rebirth and a reconstruction.  At a certain point in my orbit, I felt far away and barren.  But in reality, I have been preparing for a rebirth.  I am undergoing demolition in preparation for new construction.